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Southern Baptist Dictionary |
"Democracy is the belief that twenty thousand lemmings can't all be wrong." Author Unknown |
AHS: noun. The things you see with AIG: noun. Chicken ovaries. "Which came first? The chicken or the aig?" ALL: noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brutha frum Jawjuh puts all en my pikkup trukk." ALL WELL: noun A source of petroleum. ARE: noun. A colorless, odorless gas. Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some are !" ARN: noun. An electrical instrument used to remove wrinkles from clothes ARTERY: noun. The study of painting BACTERIA: noun. The back door of the cafeteria BAHS: noun. A supervisor. Usage: "Iffin ya dont kwit readin dis here Southern Fundie Dictionary an git back ta wurk, yer bahs is goan far ya!" BARIUM: verb. What the doctors do when patients die BARD: verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pikkup trukk." BAWL: noun. What water does at 212 degrees F. BENIGN: verb. What you be after you be eight. BIDNESS: noun. A commercial enterprise. BOBBY CUE: noun. 1. A delectable southern dish. 2. A billiards stick owned by William. BOB WAR: noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence." BOWEL: noun. A letter like A, E, I, O, or U CAESARIAN SECTION: noun. An Italian neighborhood. CAT SCAN: noun. Looking for Fluffy CAUTERIZE: verb. Made eye contact with her CLINICS: noun. A tissue. COKE: noun. Any carbonated beverage which does not contain alcohol. COLIC: noun. A sheep dog CONGENITAL: adj. Friendly CRINE: verb. To weep. D & C: noun. Where Washington is DAINTS: noun An event in which members of the opposite sex hold each other and move rhythmically to music. DAYUM: verb/explative. What God does to you if you are bad. In the Northern states it's a four letter word. DID: adjective. Not alive. Usage: "He's did , Jim." DILATE: verb To live too long. DOC: adjective. A condition caused by the absence of light ENEMA: noun. Not a friend EVRA: adjective. Each, as in "She bin crine evra day sence JJ run off" FAR: noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brutha from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pikkup trukk, dat thangs gonna catch far ." FARN: adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country." GENITAL: noun. Not a Jew G.I. SERIES: noun. A soldiers' ballgame GIT: verb. To acquire. GOFF: noun. Game played by city fellers with clubs and a little white ball. HANGNAIL: noun. A coat hook HAZE: contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignernt." HEAVY DEW: phrase. A request for action. Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a faver?" HEP: verb. To cry for assistance as in "Hep! There's a far!" HOD: adverb. Not easy. Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix." HOSS: noun. A large, hoofed, herbivorous animal. HOT: noun. A blood-pumping organ. IGNERNT: adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni." Usage: "I done like niggras cawse theys ignernt." IMPOTENT: adj. Distinguished, well known JAWJUH: noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida. Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck." JEW-HERE: a question. Usage: " Jew-here watt yer paw sed, yungin?" LABOR PAIN: noun. Getting hurt at work LECTRICITY: noun. Energy for arns, tv's an utha thangs. LOT: adjective. Luminescent. Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot -brown hair." MAY: noun. Myself "Somebody hep may!" MEDICAL STAFF: noun. A doctor's cane MORBID: noun. A higher offer. MUNTS: noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts ." NITRATES: noun. Cheaper than day rates NODE: verb. Was aware of OUTPATIENT: noun. A person who fainted OWN: adjective. Opposite of awf (see lectricity) PAP SMEAR: noun. A fatherhood test. slang, "who's my pappy" PELVIS: noun. Elvis' nickname POSTOPERATIVE: noun. Someone who works at the post office. RANCH: noun. A tool. Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago." RATS: noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for our rats." RECOVERY ROOM: noun. A place to do reupholstery RECTUM: verb. Dang near killed `em RETARD: Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65." SEED: verb, past tense of "see." SEIZURE: noun. A Roman emperor SHEVUHLAY: noun. General Motors car. SPEARMINT: noun Something scientists do. SQUARSH: noun. A vegetable (also verb - to flatten). Usage: " Warsh that squarsh , Bubba ... you don't know where its been!" SQUIRE: noun. Aint round. STOW: noun. Place where things are sold. TABLET: noun. A small table TERMINAL ILLNESS: noun. Getting sick at the airport TAR: noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck." TARRED: adverb. Exhausted. Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred ." TIRE: noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime." TUMOR: contraction. A total of at least three UHMURKIN: noun. Someone who lives in the United States of Uhmurka URINE: contraction. Opposite of you're out VEIN: adj. Very conceited. VIEW: contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view ?" WARSH: verb. To clean. Y'ALL: noun. A degree of rotation. Usage: "There are three degrees of Southern rotation: Pitch, Roll, and Y'all ." ZACKLY: adjective. Precisely |
Theistic Logic |
1. TRANSCENDENTAL ARGUMENT (1) God exists. (2) If God exists, then if reason exists then God exists. (3) Reason exists. (4) Therefore, God exists. 2. COSMOLOGICAL ARGUMENT (1) If I say something must have a cause, it has a cause. (2) I say the universe must have a cause. (3) Therefore, the universe has a cause. (4) Therefore, God exists. 3. ONTOLOGICAL ARGUMENT (I) (1) I define God to be X. (2) Since I can conceive of X, X must exist. (3) Therefore, God exists. 4. ONTOLOGICAL ARGUMENT (II) (1) God exists. (2) Since God exists, God must be perfect. (3) That which is perfect must exist. (4) Therefore, God exists. 5. MODAL ONTOLOGICAL ARGUMENT (1) God exists. (2) God, existing, is either necessary or unnecessary. (3) God is not unnecessary, therefore God must be necessary. (4) Therefore, God exists. 6. TELEOLOGICAL ARGUMENT (1) Check out that tree. Isn't it pretty? (2) Therefore, God exists. 7. ARGUMENT FROM MIRACLES (1) My aunt Helen was most likely to die from cancer. (2) She didn't. (3) Therefore, God exists. 8. MORAL ARGUMENT (I) (1) Person X, a well-known atheist, was morally inferior to the rest of us. (2) Therefore, God exists. 9. MORAL ARGUMENT (II) (1) In my younger days I was a cursing, drinking, smoking, gambling, child-molesting, thieving, murdering, bed-wetting bastard. (2) That all changed once I became religious. (3) Therefore, God exists. 10. ARGUMENT FROM CREATION (1) If evolution is false, then creationism is true, and therefore God exists. (2) Evolution can't be true, since I lack the mental capacity to understand it; moreover, to accept its truth would cause me to be uncomfortable (3) Therefore, God exists. 11. ARGUMENT FROM FEAR (1) If there is no God then we're all going to die. (2) Therefore, God exists. 12. ARGUMENT FROM THE BIBLE (1) [arbitrary passage from OT] (2) [arbitrary passage from NT] (3) Therefore, God exists. 13. ARGUMENT FROM INTELLIGENCE (1) Look, there's really no point in me trying to explain the whole thing to you stupid atheists -- it's too complicated for you to understand. God exists whether you like it or not. (2) Therefore, God exists. 14. ARGUMENT FROM UNINTELLIGENCE (1) Okay, I don't pretend to be as intelligent as you guys -- you're obviously very well read. But I read the Bible, and nothing you say can convince me that God does not exist. I feel him in my heart, and you can feel him too, if you'll just ask him into your life. "For God so loved the world that he sent his only begotten son into the world, that whosoever believes in him shall not perish from the earth" John 3:16. (2) Therefore, God exists. 15. ARGUMENT FROM BELIEF (1) If God exists, then I should believe in Him. (2) I believe in God. (3) Therefore, God exists. 16. ARGUMENT FROM INTIMIDATION (1) See this bonfire? (2) Therefore, God exists. 17. PARENTAL ARGUMENT (1) My mommy and daddy told me that God exists. (2) Therefore, God exists. 18. ARGUMENT FROM NUMBERS (1) Millions and millions of people believe in God. (2) They can't all be wrong, can they? (3) Therefore, God exists. 19. ARGUMENT FROM ABSURDITY (1) Maranathra! (2) Therefore, God exists. 20. ARGUMENT FROM ECONOMY (1) God exists, you bastards! (2) Therefore, God exists. 21. BOATWRIGHT'S ARGUMENT (1) Ha ha ha. (2) Therefore, God exists. 22. DORE'S ARGUMENT (1) I forgot to take my meds. (2) Therefore, I AM CHRIST!! (3) Therefore, God exists. 23. ARGUMENT FROM GUITAR MASTERY (1) Eric Clapton is God. (2) Therefore, God exists. 24. ARGUMENT FROM INTERNET AUTHORITY (1) There is a website that successfully argues for the existence of God. (2) Here is the URL. (3) Therefore, God exists. 25. ARGUMENT FROM INCOMPREHENSIBILITY (1) Flabble glurk zoom boink blubba snurgleschnortz ping! (2) No one has ever refuted (1). (3) Therefore, God exists. 26. ARGUMENT FROM AMERICAN EVANGELISM (1) Telling people that God exists makes me filthy rich. (2) Therefore, God exists. 27. MITCHELL'S ARGUMENT (1) The Christian God exists. (2) Therefore, all worldviews which don't assume the Christian God's existence are false and incomprehensible. (3) Therefore, God exists. 28. ARGUMENT FROM BLINDNESS (I) (1) Atheists are spiritually blind. (2) Therefore, God exists. 29. ARGUMENT FROM BLINDNESS (II) (1) God is love. (2) Love is blind. (3) Ray Charles is blind. (4) Therefore, Ray Charles is God. (5) Therefore, God exists. 30. ARGUMENT FROM FALLIBILITY (1) Human reasoning is inherently flawed. (2) Therefore, there is no reasonable way to challenge a proposition. (3) I propose that God exists. (4) Therefore, God exists. 31. ARGUMENT FROM SMUGNESS (1) God exists. (2) I don't give a crap whether you believe it or not; I have better things to do than to try to convince you morons. (3) Therefore, God exists. 32. ARGUMENT FROM META-SMUGNESS (1) Fuck you. (2) Therefore, God exists. 33. ARGUMENT FROM MANIFESTATIONS (1) If you turn your head sideways and squint a little, you can see an image of a bearded face in that tortilla. (2) Therefore, God exists. 34. SLATHER'S ARGUMENT (1) My toaster is God. (2) Therefore, God exists. 35. ARGUMENT FROM INCOMPLETE DEVASTATION (1) A plane crashed killing 143 passengers and crew. (2) But one child survived with only third-degree burns. (3) Therefore, God exists. 36. ARGUMENT FROM POSSIBLE WORLDS (1) If things had been different, then things would be different. (2) That would be bad. (3) Therefore, God exists. 37. ARGUMENT FROM SHEER WILL (1) I DO believe in God! I DO believe in God! I do I do I do I DO believe in God! (2) Therefore, God exists. 38. ARGUMENT FROM NONBELIEF (1) The majority of the world's population are nonbelievers in Christianity. (2) This is just what Satan intended. (3) Therefore, God exists. 39. ARGUMENT FROM POST-DEATH EXPERIENCE (1) Person X died an atheist. (2) He now realizes his mistake. (3) Therefore, God exists. 40. ARGUMENT FROM EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL (1) God loves you. (2) How could you be so heartless to not believe in him? (3) Therefore, God exists. 41. ARGUMENT FROM INCOHERENT BABBLE (1) See that person spazzing on the church floor babbling incoherently? (2) That's how infinite wisdom reveals itself. (3) Therefore, God exists. 42. OPRAH'S ARGUMENT (I) (1) The human spirit exists. (2) Therefore, God exists. 43. OPRAH'S ARGUMENT (II) (1) Check out this video segment. (2) Now how can anyone watch that and NOT believe in God? (3) Therefore, God exists. 44. CALVINISTIC ARGUMENT (1) If God exists, then he will let me watch you be tortured forever. (2) I rather like that idea. (3) Therefore, God exists. 45. ARGUMENT FROM CROCKERY (I) (1) Pots don't go around giving orders to the potter. (2) Therefore, God exists. 46. ARGUMENT FROM MASS PRODUCTION (1) Barbie dolls were created. (2) If Barbie dolls were created, then so were trees. (3) Therefore, God exists. 47. ARGUMENT FROM PAROCHIALISM (1) God is everywhere. (2) We haven't been everywhere to prove he's not there. (3) Therefore, God exists. 48. ARGUMENT FROM UPPERCASE ASSERTION (1) GOD EXISTS! GET USED TO IT! (2) Therefore, God exists. 49. ARGUMENT FROM INFINITE REGRESS (1) Ask atheists what caused the Big Bang. (2) Regardless of their answer, ask how they know this. (3) Continue process until the atheist admits he doesn't know the answer to one of your questions. (4) You win! (5) Therefore, God exists. 50. ARGUMENT FROM INCREDULITY (1) How could God NOT exist, you bozo? (2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM MULTIPLICITY 1) I have a large number of arguments for God. 2) One of them is probably true. 3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM PRAYER 1) God exists. 2) [atheist gives counterarguments] 3) You're in my prayers. 4) Therefore, God exists. THE DUTCHMAN'S ARGUMENT (ARGUMENT FROM MUSICAL CONSPIRACY THEORY) 1) The atheist likes music. 2) Therefore, the atheist is schitzophrenic. 3) Who cares if the logic is flimsier than a house of cards? Character assassination is the only way I can win this debate. 4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM CATCHPHRASE 1) There are no atheists in foxholes. 2) [atheist points to some atheists in foxholes] 3) They don't count. 4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM HOSPITALS 1) Atheists don't build hospitals. 2) [atheist points to Bill Gates and Ted Turner, who donate millions to charity] 3) Yes, but do they build hospitals? 4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM 9-11 1) Terrorists destroyed the World Trade Center, killing thousands. 2) One piece of the rubble sort of looks like a cross. 3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM THE FOUNDING FATHERS 1) The Founding Fathers were Christians. 2) Yes they were. 3) Yes they were. 4) YES THEY WERE!!! 5) Well anyway, the Founding Fathers were really smart, so they MUST have been Christians! 6) (And anyway, Deists are really Christians, they just haven't figured it out yet.) 7) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM CHILD CUSTODY 1) We have legal custody of your son. 2) If you don't act as though the Christian God exists, you will never, ever see him again. 3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM POLITICS 1) The majority of Americans believe in God. 2) If I pretend to believe in God too, I'll get elected. 3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM BEER 1) Christian: Whatever you believe in, that is your God. 2) Atheist: I believe I'll have another beer. 3) Ha ha ha! 4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM IGNORANCE 1) I don't understand evolution. I mean, how could there be nothing rather than something? 2) [atheist gives articulate explanation of evolution, and gently explains that the beginning of the universe has nothing to do with evolution.] 3) Well it seems way too complicated and unlikely to me. Plus, I don't want to live my life thinking I evolved from a monkey. 4) Therefore, God exists, and Jesus died for our sins. 5) [atheist points out that theists' ignorance of evolution does not mean that there is a god, let alone the Christian god.] 6) Says you, god bless. 7) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM AMERICA 1) God bless America. 2) You're either for us or you're against us. 3) Therefore, God exists. |