The War On Faith - FS - Shit Happens

Why Shit Happens
In Various World Religions:

Agnosticism: It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm not sure whether its
shit or not. What is this shit?! How can we KNOW if shit happens? You can't prove any of
this shit.

Amish: Shit is good for the soil. This modern shit is worthless.

Anglicanism: It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.

Atheism: I don't believe this shit. It looks and smells like shit, so I'm damned if I'm going to
taste it. Shit doesn't happen. Shit is dead. No shit!

Bahaism: Why do you keep shitting on us?

Baptist: We'll wash the shit right off you.

Baptist, Southern: You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it. Shit will happen,
so praise da Lawd an pass da cone bread.

Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit. If shit happens, it isn't really happening TO
anyone. Shit will happen again to you next time.

Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserved it. You were born shit, you are shit, and you will
die shit.

Charismatic Catholicism: Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway.

Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor--pray. Shit doesn't happen and I
am not up to my eyeballs in it. Our shit will take care of itself.

Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens" Confucius says, "If shit has to happen, let it
happen PROPERLY."

Darwinism: Survival of the shittiest.

Dianetics: "Why does shit happen?" (p. 157)

Energizer Bunny Cult: Shit happens and keeps going and going and going and...

Episcopalianism: If shit happens, hold a procession.

Fundamentalism: There's no shit in the Bible. Shit happens, but don't publish it.

Hare Krishna: Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding. She-it happens, She-it happens,
happens, happens, she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become one with she-it) Please take this
flower and buy our shit.

Heaven's Gate: Kill yourself with us, and become a higher form of shit.

Hinduism: I've seen this shit before. This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life. This shit
happening IS you.

Iraqi Baathist: Oh shit!

Islam: If this shit happens, it is the will of Allah. If shit happens, take a hostage. We don't
take any shit.

Jehovah's Witnesses: No shit happens until Armageddon. There is only a limited amount of
good shit. Knock Knock, "Shit Happens." Here, we insist you take our shit. Shit happens door
to door.

Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US? Why does shit always happen just before
closing the deal?

Judaism, Reformed: Got any laxatives?

Lutheranism: Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.

Moonies: Only happy shit really happens.

Mormonism: If shit happens, shun it. Crap happens (you can't say shit in Utah) Hey, there's
more shit over here! Our shit is better than your shit. Shit happens again & again & again ...

Mysticism: This is really weird shit.

Nation of Islam: Don't take no shit from whitey!

New Age: That's not shit, it's feldspar. A firm shit does not happen to me. This isn't shit if I
really believe it's chocolate. I create my own shit. If shit happens, honor it and share it.
Sheeeeeeeeeeit! We're all part of the same shit. For $300, we can help you get in touch with
your inner shit.

Orthodox: St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit.

Orthodox, Greek: Shit happens, usually in three's.

Paganism: Shit happens for a variety of reasons.

Protestantism: If shit happens, it happens to someone else. If shit happens, praise the lord for
it!

Rajhneesh: Give us your shit and put on this orange shit.

Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit! Hey, this is good shit, mon.

Rosicrucianism: What is this AMORC shit?

Satanism: Shit happens to Christians, so take credit for it and piss them off.

Scientology: If you don't have a credit card, we aint tellin' you shit.

Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.

7th Day Adventism: Shit happens on Saturdays.

Shamanism: Whoaa...Holy Shit!

Shintoism: You inherit the shit of your ancestors.

Sikhism: Leave our shit alone

Stoicism: This shit is good for me.

Sureshism: You are all pieces of shit.

Televangelism: Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening.

Twelve Step: Shit happens one day at a time.

Toism: Shit happens. If you can shit, it isn't shit. Shit happens, so flow with it.

Unitarianism: What is this Shit? We affirm the right for shit to happen. Go ahead, shit
anywhere you want. It's not the shit that matters. It's the process.

Voodoo: Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you. Let's stick some pins in this
shit! This shit's gonna get you.

Wicca: If shit happened once, it will happen twice more. The Goddess makes shit happen.

Witchcraft: Mix this shit together and it will happen

Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?

Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time.

An Ode To Shit

Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with
it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.

Consider: You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little
effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off
the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others
to eat shit and die.

You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away. People can be shit
headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over. Some people know their shit while others
can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, dog shit,
cat shit, bird shit, whale shit, rat shit, and horse shit. There is tough shit, hard shit, soft shit,
slimy shit, rough shit, limp shit. You can shit a blue streak, shit bricks, shit pink Twinkies,
shit marbles, or shit your guts out.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can take a
shit, give a shit, keep shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit, or be
happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plane
shitty. There is funny shit and sad shit, bad shit and good shit. Some shit doesn't stink while
other things really smell like shit.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like
shit. You can be faster than shit or you can be slower than shit. Sometimes you'll find shit
on a stick, sometimes you'll find shit everywhere, and then there are times when you can't
find shit at all. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit
or a lot of weird shit..

You can carry shit in a bucket, put shit in a barrel, have a pile of shit, have a mountain of
shit, have a river of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. You can slice shit,
spread shit, dunk shit or jump shit, and some people just can't cut the shit.

There is fun shit and dull shit, silly shit and serious shit. Sometimes you really need this shit
and sometimes you don't want any shit at all. You can stir shit, kick shit or stick your ass
out the window and shit on the world. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and
other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. This
means the universe did not begin with a BIG BANG but rather with a BIG DUMP. Keep that
in mind the next time you flush the toilet. And remember, once you know your shit, you
don't need to know anything else. Twinkies, shit marbles, or shit your guts out.