The War On Faith - FS

Beggars

There were two beggars sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City. One had a cross in
front of him, the other one the Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars,
but only put money into the hat of the one sitting behind the cross. A priest came by, stopped,
and watched many, many people give money to the beggar behind the cross, but none to the
beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally he went over to the beggar behind the Star of David and said: "Don't you understand?
This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of
David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact,
they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The Star of David beggar listened to the priest and, turning to the cross beggar, said:
"Moishe...look who's trying to teach us marketing."

Forgiveness

In his Sunday sermon, the preacher used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long
sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their
hands. Not satisfied, he harangued for another 20 minutes and repeated his question. This time
he received a response of about 80%. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and
repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one
elderly lady in the rear. "Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any." "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-three."
Pleased with her mild manner, he commented, "Mrs. Jones, come down in front and tell the
congregation how a person can live to be 93, and not have an enemy in the world." The little
sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, slowly turned around, to the microphone and
said: "All those bastards died years ago."

Towel Heads

We have been informed that those Muslims who wear the required head gear do not like to be
called "towel heads". The item they wear on their heads is actually a small sheet, so from now
on please call them "little sheet heads." Thank you for your support!

A Mother's Love

Two Shiite Muslim moms are chatting. One pulls her wallet out and starts flipping through
pictures. "This is my oldest son. He's a martyr." "Here's my second son. He's a martyr too."
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second one wistfully says, "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

Top 15 Jewish Country Music Songs

1. "I Was One of the Chosen People ('Til She Chose Somebody Else)"
2. "Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights"
3. "I've Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You? "
4. "My Rowdy Friend Elijah's Comin' Over Tonight"
5. "New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament"
6. "Stand by Your Mensch"
7. "Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes"
8. "I Balanced Your Books, but You're Breaking My Heart"
9. "My Darlin's a Schmendrick and I'm All Verklempt"
10. "That Shiksa Done Made off with My Heart Like a Goniff"
11. "The Second Time She Said 'Shalom', I Knew She Meant 'Goodbye'"
12. "You're the Lox My Bagel's Been Missin'"
13. "You've Been Talkin' Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came to Town"
14. "Why Don't We Get Drunk - We're Jews!"
15. "Mamas Don't Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys
(When They Could Very Easily Have Just Taken Over the Family Hardware
Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father
Sweated Over for Years Which Apparently Doesn't Mean Anything Now That You're
Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)"

Religious Merger Creates 900 Million Hinjews

New Delhi, India - Hinjew leaders today conceded the merger of Hinduism and Judaism has
not worked out as planned, as instead of forming a super-religion to fight off the common
Islamic enemy, they have instead created a race of 900 million people who, no matter how
many times they are reincarnated, can never please their mothers.

Bush is a putz

President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks "How come the Jews know everything
before we do?" The CIA chief says "The Jews have this expression 'VUS TUTZUCH'. They just
ask each other and they know everything. (which, for those of you who are not Jewish, means
"WHAT'S HAPPENING MAN?")

The president decides to personally go undercover to determine if this is true. He gets dressed
up as an Orthodox Jew (black hat, beard, long payis etc), is secretly flown in an unmarked
plane to New York, picked up in an unmarked car, and dropped off in Brooklyn's most Jewish
neighborhood. Soon a little old man comes shuffling along. The president stops him and
whispers "VUS TUTZUCH?" The old guy whispers back "Bush is in Brooklyn!"

A Thriller
A nine year old boy asks his mother, "Is God male or female?" After thinking for a moment, his
mother responds, "Well God is both male and female." This confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God
black or white?" "Well," she says, "God is both black and white." This really confuses the boy, so
he asks, "Is God gay or straight?" Feeling a bit out of her depth, but wanting to be consistent,
the mother answers, "Honey, God is both gay and straight." At this the boy's face lights up with
understanding and he triumphantly asks... "Is Michael Jackson God?"

The Wages Of Sin

The horse and mule live thirty years
And nothing know of wines and beers.
The goat and sheep at twenty die,
And never taste of scotch and rye.
The cow drinks water by the ton,
And at eighteen is mostly done.
The dog at fifteen cashes in,
And without the aid of rum or gin.
The cat in milk and water soaks,
And then in twelve short years it croaks.
The modest, sober, bone dry hen,
Lays eggs for nogs then dies at ten.
All animals are strictly dry,
They sinless live and early die.
But sinful, ginful, rum-soaked men-
Survive three-score years and ten.

Mounting Hardware Not Included

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of
a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams. "Don't worry about that," says St.
Peter, "it's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes
later, there are more blood-curdling screams. "Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what
is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the
halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to hell." "You can't go there," says St.
Peter, "you'll be raped and sodomized." "Yes," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes
for that!"

To: The Lord God Almighty a.k.a. Ha'shem, Shadai, Elokim, etc.
From: The Jews: a.k.a. The Chosen people
Subject: Termination of Contract/Special Status (Chosen People)

As you are aware, the contract made between you and Abraham is up for renewal, and this
memorandum is to advise you that after, yea, those many millennia of consideration, we, the
Jews (The Chosen People) have decided that we really do not wish to renew. We should point
out immediately that there is nothing in writing, and, contrary to popular beliefs, we (The
Jews) have not really benefited too much from this arrangement. If you go back to the early
years of our arrangement, it definitely started off on the wrong footing.

Not only was Israel and Judea invaded almost every year, but we went to enormous expense to
erect not one but two Temples, and they were both destroyed. All we have left is a pile of old
stones called the Western Wall (of course you know all this, but we feel it's a good thing to
account for all the reasons we wish to terminate the contract). After the Hittites, Assyrians,
Goliath, etc, not only were we beaten up almost daily, but then we were sold off as slaves to
Egypt of all countries, and really lost a few hundred years of development.

Now we realize that you went to a great deal of trouble to send Moses to lead us out of Egypt,
and those poor Egyptian buggers were smitten (smote?) with all those plagues, but, reflecting
on those years, we are at a loss to understand why it took almost forty years to make a trip
that El Al now does in 75 minutes. Also, while not appearing to be ungrateful, for many years a
lot of people have been asking why Moses led us left instead of right at Sinai? If we had gone
right, we would have had the oil!

OK, so the oil was not part of the deal, but then the Romans came and we really were up to our
necks in dreck. While it's true that the Romans did give us water fit to drink, aqueducts, and
baths, it was very disconcerting to walk down one of the vias, look up, and see one of your
friends or family nailed to a three-by-four looking for all the world like a sign post. Even one
of our princes, Judah ben Hur got caught up with Roman stuff and drove like a crazy man
around the Coliseum. It's a funny thing but many people swore that Ben Hur had an uncanny
resemblance to Moses... go figure.

Then, of all things, one of our rabbis (teachers) declared himself "Son of You" (there was
nothing said about this with Abe) and before we knew what was what, a whole new religion
sprang up. To add insult to injury, we were dispersed all over the world two or three times,
while this new religion really caught on! We were truly sorry to hear that the Romans
executed him like so many others, but, ... alas, (and this will make you laugh,) once again WE
were blamed. Now here's something we really don't understand. That rabbi, one of ours and
your own son, really came into his own. Millions of people revered and worshipped his name
and scriptures .....and still killed us by the millions. Claimed we drank the blood of new born
infants, and controlled the world banks (Oy! if only that were so. We could have bought them
all off, and operated the world's media and so on and so on). Are we beginning to make our
point here?

OK so let's fast-forward a few hundred years to the Crusades. Hoo boy! Again we were caught
in the middle! They, the Lords and Knights, came from all over Europe to smack the Arabs and
open up the holy places, but before we knew what hit us, they were killing us right, left, and
centre along with everyone else. Every time a king or a pope was down in the opinion polls,
they called a crusade or holy war, and went on a killing rampage in our land. Today it's called
a Jihad. OK, so you tested us a little there, but then some bright cleric in Spain came up with
the Inquisition. We all thought it was a new game show, but once again we and, we must
admit, quite a few others were used as firewood for a whole new street lighting arrangement
in major Spanish cities. All right, so that ended after about a hundred years or so... in the great
scheme of things not a long time. But every time we settled down in one country or another..
they kicked us out! So we wandered around a few hundred years or so, but it never changed.
Finally we settled in a few countries but they insisted we all live in ghettoes... no Westchesters
of Moscow for us. There we are in the ghettoes, when what do you know? The Russians come
up with the Pogroms. We all thought they made a spelling mistake and misspelled programs,
but we were dead wrong (no pun intended). Apparently, when there was nothing else for them
to do, killing the Jews (a.k.a. The Chosen People, are you getting our drift?) was the 'in thing'.

Now comes some really tough noogies. We were doing quite well, thank you, in a small
European country called Germany, when some house painter wrote a book, said a few things
that caught on and became that country's leader.... whoo boy! what a bad day that was for us...
you know... your Chosen People! We don't really know where you were in the earth years 1940
to 1945. We know everyone needs a break now and then... even Lord God Almighty needs
some time off. But really... when we needed you most, you were never around. You are
probably aware of this, but if you have forgotten, over six million of your Chosen people, along
with quite a few unchosen others were murdered.

They even made lamp shades out of our skins. Look, we don't want to dwell on the past, but it
gets worse! Here we are, it's 1948, and millions of us are displaced yet again, when you really
pull a fast one. We finally get our own land back! Yes!!! After all these years, you arrange for
us to go back home... then all hell breaks loose! All the Arab countries immediately declare
war on us. We have to tell you that sometimes your sense of humor really eludes us. Ok, so we
win all the wars, but it's now 2002 and nothing's changed. We keep getting blown up,
hijacked, and kidnapped. We have no peace whatsoever.

Enough is enough. So, we hope that you understand that nothing's forever (except you of
course) and we respectfully would like to pull out of our verbal agreement vis-a-vis being
your Chosen people. Look, sometimes things work out, sometimes they don't. Let's be friends
over the next few eons and see what happens. How about this? We're sure you recall that
Abraham had a whole other family from Ishmael (the ones who got the oil). How about
making THEM your chosen people for a few thousand years?

Discreet Mensch

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500
on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead At the table. Showing respect for their
fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and
asks, "So, who's gonna' tell the wife?" "I'll do it," said Goldberg. "Be discreet, be gentle, don't
make a bad situation any worse," said Finkelstein. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you
will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me," claims Goldberg.

Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment, knocks on the door. The wife answers and
asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come
home." "TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!" she yells. "I'll go tell him," says Goldberg.

On Forgiveness

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long
sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their
hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This
time he received a response of about 80 percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15
minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded
except one elderly lady in the rear.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety three."
"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be
ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world."

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said:
"The bastards all died years ago."

Dog Letters To God

Dear God,
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one another? Where are their
priorities?

Dear God,
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God,
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt,
the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar
riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it
would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers,
beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans
understand?

Dear God,
Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars
for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!

Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God,
Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't
make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpet thing, again?

Dear God,
Can you undo what that doctor did ... ?

Cat Letter To God,
Dear God,
Do you exist? I'm just curious. I don't really care.

Baptist Dog

ABaptist couple felt it important to own an equally Baptist pet, so they went shopping. At a
kennel specializing in Baptist dogs, they found one that they liked a lot. When they asked the
dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he
complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. Impressed, they purchased the animal
and went home. That night they had friends over. They were so proud of the new Baptist dog
and his skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and
asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks as well. This stopped the
couple cold, as they hadn't thought thought of normal dog tricks. "Well," they said, "let's try it
out." Once more they called the dog and they clearly pronounced the command, "heel." Quick
as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in
concentration, and bowed his head...It was then that the couple realized they'd been deceived.
The dog was Pentecostal.

Sister Margaret

Sister Margaret had been a model nun all her life, but then she was called to her reward. As
she approached the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter said, "Hold on, Sister Margaret...not so fast!" "But I
have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in
as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath... I have lived for this moment!"
Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief. "That is just the problem...you never learned right from
wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong,"
replied St. Peter. Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret
pleaded. "I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you
to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished...we will discuss your situation then,"
ordered St. Peter.

Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then called St. Peter coughing and
hacking. "Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath
stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up!" "Good!" replied the old saint, "Now you
are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor
and call me immediately."

Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter shortly after taking several belts of Jack Daniels. "Saint
Peter...I feel woozy...that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me...it is all I can do to
keep it down." "Good ... good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and
wrong" said St. Peter with delight. "Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in
the Biblical sense then call me." A week later: Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a
message: "Hello, Pete ... it's Peggy. I'm gonna be a while!"

Polly Want a Tfillin?

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something
wonderful would happen in his life, when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice
shouting out in Yiddish, "Quawwwwk...vus machts du?" (How're ya doin') "Yeah, du." (Yeah,
you.) Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it. The proprietor urged him, "Come in
here, fella, and check out this parrot..." Meyer did. An African Grey cocked his little head and
said: "Vus? Kenst sprechen Yiddish?" (What? Can you speak Yiddish?) In a matter of moments,
Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage
away with him. All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his
father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his late wife, Sarah, was when she
was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment district. About
Florida.

The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living
in the pet store, how lonely he would get on the weekends. They both went to sleep. Next
morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while saying his prayers. The parrot
demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted some
too. Meyer went out and had a miniature set of tfillin hand made for the parrot. The parrot
wanted to learn to daven (say prayers), and learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to read
Hebrew. So Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him
Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and fellow Jew.

One morning, on Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the
parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul (synagogue) was not place for a
bird, but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder.
Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including
the Rabbi and the Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy
Days, but Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven.

Wages were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet that the parrot could NOT
daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the African Grey during
services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer
heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and
mumbling under his breath, "Daven!" Nothing. Daven ...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come
on, everybody's looking at you!" Nothing!

After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and
the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home, upset, saying nothing. Finally several
blocks from the Temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark.

Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand
dollars. Why? After I had tfillin made for you and taught you the morning prayers, and taught
you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh
Hashana, why? Why did you do this to me?"

"Meyer, don't be a jerk ," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds we'll get on Yom Kippur!