The War On Faith - FS - Describiing Fundamentalists

The only sperm that didn't notice it was in a sheep.

fundie-MENTAL-ist

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

A room temperature IQ.

Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.

A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.

A prime candidate for natural deselection.

Bright as Alaska in December.

During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.

Fell out of the family tree.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

He's so dense, light bends around him.

He's got a mind like a steel trap... rusted shut.

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.

Takes him an hour and a half to watch "60 Minutes".

Nine volt brain.

Dumb as a stump.

You might be a Fundy, if...

...you were ever crowned "Miss Trailer Park"

...you have to wear headphones all day that play "Inhale....exhale" over and over again.

...you have ever gone to a ball game with a "John 3:16" sign.

...people would follow you anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

...you are really not so much of a "has-been," but more of a "definitely won't-be."

...when you open your mouth, it seems that it is only to change whichever foot was
previously in there.

...you ever said "Git up offa me, paw. Yer crushin my smokes."

...you are out of your depth in a parking lot puddle.

...you have delusions of adequacy.

...you set low personal standards and consistently fail to meet them.

...you are depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

...you've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep
more of their minimum wage.

...you've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"

...you've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.

...you're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

...you think Huey Newton is a cookie.

...the only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you.

...you think you might remember laughing once as a kid.

...you once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

...you call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."

...you've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

...you've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."

...you've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."

...you've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."

...you answer to "The Man."

...you don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders
fellow makes a lot of sense.

...you fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."

...you don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual
deviance."

...you use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady,
tax credit...

...you scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.

...you've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."

...when people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."

...you've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."

...you think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.

...you argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.

...Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

...you point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.

...you've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.

...you've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."

...you've ever referred to Anita Hill as a "lying bitch" while attending a Bob Packwood
fund-raiser.

...you've ever called education a luxury.

...you look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

...you wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductible.

...you came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.

...you own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.

...you're afraid of the "liberal media."

...you ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."

...you've ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of pornographers.

...you think all artists are gay.

...you ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and
doesn't want to contribute to society."

...you've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even
have shoes.

...you confuse Lenin with Lennon.

...your sole purpose in life is to serve as an warning to others.